Pain as Portal

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I awoke 45 minutes past my alarm this morning. It was still dark out and the light behind the foggy clouds just began to illuminate the landscape in hues of grey-blue. I gathered my things and went downstairs to my apartment (yes, I am chicken and sleep in the spare room of the apartment above me because my cohort understands how spooky Fort Worden can be). I turned on the space heater, curled up on the couch and watched the blue light on the grass shift to bright green.

I was suddenly hit with this wave of intense emotion. To distract myself, I went on instagram, but my brain continued to spiral into thoughts of worthlessness, doubt, and grief, allowing my sense of being to repeatedly crash against the edges of rocks. I spent about an hour crying, and, just like that, my tears dried, my inner landscape settled and I was able to make myself a cup of coffee and read a few pages from Octavia Butler’s Fledgling.

It must just be my period coming or something, I thought. But then as I was journaling, I realized that I missed the portal. That tidal wave of pain was an opening to go in deeper beyond the surface skin of repeated stories that I have always told myself about my pain. There is a spiritual wild woman on instagram that I follow and she is always talking about portals. I never could really understand what that was, and I still don’t. I can say, however, that I stood directly outside of one this morning, watching it rupture open, raw and awaiting the feel of my presence, only to close, sewing itself back together, disappearing into the air.

What if next time, I am able to hold onto my life-line, keeping my head clear enough that I can see the opening and know that if I am to learn anything valuable about my pain, that I must go inside? What if I can manage to look past myself, as she tries to tell me stories about the sad tale of my life, so that I can see that there is light deep inside the darkness of the tunnel?

With all of this in mind, I realize that the mere fact that I turned around to actually witness the portal is a huge step forward. I am actually eagerly awaiting its return, my next opportunity to step through. Surely, I will take it because the cycle of repeated fallacies no longer serves me or my interests. Next time, I hope I step through the portal.

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